my 13th lament: too much pride

I'm not sure if i like myself too much this week. I've become a person i hate. I've become a shallow and proud person. I've always known that I've got a high pride but to be called shallow really hit my heart of pride really hard. I want to know if I've become a person i hate. And to think that the person who told me that was a person i admire. Yes, i admit i got angry at a little thing but its so hard to admit it because it would make me feel depressed and it would hurt my pride. But I've learned to accept this person and to accept my mistake isn't very easy.

Goal

After 4 years of varied learning-applying-teaching activities, I will be able to become a full pledged nurse worthy of the school I'm studying in; I will be sufficiently skilled and knowledgeable in my chosen path and I will be ready for what the world has to offer; I will not forget the things I have learned and will apply them to my day-to-day living.

my 12th lament; help

i'm sad today
i dont know why
my heart's heavy
theirs tears in my eye

why do i feel this way
why does it feel like
theirs too much weight
bearing me down

Feels like I want enough
This weight's too heavy
for me to take
My heart's beginning to break

Is it too late
to cry out for help
If I cry out
will someone help?

my 11th lament; contd

i just wanna cry today coz i dont understand, i thought and believed he'd love me until the end but seems the end just arrived. i think i'm really getting emotional but to actually hope to love the person who loves you and finally loving him then in the end you find out his love wont last long...
its heartbreaking and i want to cry.
i mean i really want to cry. as in super.
i seldom cry, its really not me.
i've been called the ice princess, i've been called numb yet its the first time i realized that i'm willing to go thru forever with him yet this is what happens.
i cant blame him though. and i cant blame me. i'm probably going thru naive phase for the second time.
i just wanna cry.
wish today would pause and everyone would pause with it.
then i'd cry, cry until it stops hurting then face the world again with a smile.
i wish i can believe this is just a phase.
i wish to believe in us.
yet his words, my recent doubts, i really cant say i dont see this coming yet it hurts, it hurts, it hurts...

my 11th lament: dont cry

to fall for once
and yet to break
is this the pain
i have to take

i thought i'd love
and be loved back
and took for granted
the love i lack

he was the one
or so i thought
so long i hoped
i'd love him back

and now i've fallen
all has failed
i feel my heart
has gone back to its state

long ago, it failed to love
and now this melted ice
stop melting, please
my broken heart

keep the pain
dont break apart
all will pass
all will pass

my tenth lament

i dont wanna lament because i was so happy last week since my dad actually allowed me to spend the night over at a friend's house which was like 2 towns away.
but my classmate had to steal something which isnt his and i think we were bad recorded in the resort's sheets.

i guess, my dilemma would be about my ex. even if we officially broke up after a year and 7 days, we met again after a few months and things got a little steady and i mean a little. he'd pick me up from school sometimes even if its so far away and we meet sometimes...
sounds like getting back together huh.

but recently he hasnt contacted me since and i dont know what to make of it. i dont wanna make a big trouble it but i'm tired of reaching out to him. its time, he reached out for me, if he really feels the same. anyway, if he isnt for me then, i've no choice but to accept that we arent for each other. after all, there are still many fish in the sea.

my ninth lament

i want to quit. this course is making me sick. wanna be in the film industry not in the medical. shucks. why do i need to do this. then again. i love my family and this seems a practical way to end some of our problems. but man, feels like everything's getting heavier. wish i'd study masscom or something about being a director or scripwriter instead of nursing. i wonder if i'd quit now if they'd understand. cant they see i'm suffering. damn mosquitos. anyway, i wanna be in the film industry. wanna write a story and film it or something like that. i'm 18 and cant even do what i dream for once. i'm going farther and farther from it.
and love eludes me too. cant figure out if this guy really is for me. i dont doubt him (or do I). i just cant be sure of myself. i guess i fear commitment what with all the querida stories that involves the men in my family. sheesh, wish i'd get over that soon coz i think i really like him.
what i'm thinking now is... do i want to be a nurse or not. ofcourse i dont but this thing is for my family. i think. we're pretty down low now and if i do succeed then its gonna mean a better life for us. no more begging, no more envying, no more wanting...
but... its really too much for me. nursing is not that hard but my heart's not in it. i guess that should be pretty obvious huh. but if i take the other road i'm not sure of what i'm gonna be.

my eight lament

grrr.... before i didnt really understand why i hated this girl in class who has the same name as mine
but i do know now.
she's so creepy
her birthday is exactly a month before mine
she speaks a bit like i do
in fact in her profile
she has this "about me" part wherein our words are so similar that i cant help hating her again
since i had decided to not judge her anymore since i dont really know her
but now, i really cant decide on whether to like her or not
but for me i really cant like her enough
i feel like a hypocrite just by talking to her

i hope that me not liking her is not gonna affect her life
coz i cant help being the way i am

my seventh lament

for now my blog would be about our schedule in school
so far i have no probs about our teachers but since our sched would be adjusted
then they would also look for teachers to fill that sched
grrr..... they shouldnt do that
i mean, i already love our teachers because they're not boring like the rest of the teaching staff
i'm also a bit happy though because my ex bf and I are starting to be more than friends
although the feeling is mutual when we say we're not getting back together again
sheesh i'm afraid to get to that part of my life again... soon

my sixth lament

life is filled with many trials and sufferings
but it is also filled with happiness and smiles
thinking you're the only one hurting is selfishness
and more so if you're hurting yourself

i have classmate who's suicidal
everytime she has a huge problem
like a fight with her boyfriend or a fight with her mom
or a fight with her sis
she slashes her wrists
some may agree with this but i most certainly do not
before i thought it was so sad and i pitied her but now i know that she doesnt deserve my pity
we all want to help her but she doesnt see it
i'm angry with her coz she doesnt see the worried looks on her close friends and to top it off
the person she considers her bestest friend does it too
i'm worried about her but we're not that close
even if i wanted to do something
i cant
coz i know i'll probably make things worse anyway

my fifth lament

not so good, i'm a bit downbut that's an understatementyou know,i'm never ever going to camp
so where do i start pouring outmy depressing thoughts
first of all, i am not going to camp and that thought is causing a lot of chain reactions in my mind,one of them is running away from home(i'm almost 18 anyway)and another which i'm very embarassed to talk about is killing myself,which has been entering my mind lately,nevermind the fact that i really hate people who do those kind of things and i'm apalled at myself for even thinking about it
and this is really not just about camp (it's probably a teen thing, you know, with suicide a fad or something)i'm probably in a depressive state of adolescencewhy i think of these kind of stuffis because i'm starting to think i'm this single meteor in a vast space where all the stars are twinkling and shining yet here i am wishing i was one of them shining starsi want to study something else than nursing and i think its suffice to say that i'm really fed up with this course but since i started it i may as well end it and anyway, even if i wanted to be the youngest "professional" film maker/scriptwriter in the Philippines i will never ever ever ever beand i know that first chance i get at getting out of nursing (i will still try my best to study nursing after all)i will take it. i'm also a fed up with my parents and my family (please just dont judge)everyone says our house is a homebut i dont really love iti love it when its just usbut its always crowded(maid is not counted with the crowd)anyway, my father always says our home is a sort of "safe house"he termed it such since everyone from falling doves to runaway prisoners would always find a warm shelter here until they can find another placemy father is annoyed at that and so am i, more if i may say so myselfmy mother is such a helper and everyone she tries to help always come herethe beaten servants from the chinese bossthe runaway guy who just killed the town bullyanother guy who killed another guy and his family coz that guy also killed his family (and brutally if i may add)the girl who cheated on her husband so their family would have something to eata client who is in trouble since the papers he held were illegal or somethingmy dad's coz who has a run in with some guys whom he bumped with his carmy mom says work, other times, for family but it's really annoying the way she just dives in when people ask for help but ofcourse i support it(most of the time)gosh i make her sound like a heroanyway, that's my momand thank God we dont always have those people most of the timei'm also annoyed at my brother coz he's so disrespectful (maybe that's my fault, i was super mean to him when we were youngbut i cant help it but get frustrated when he talks back to mei really hate itand i really hate it when my parents dont allow me to slumber parties, camping trips, religious activities... etc...i feel like i'm being barred from what i want, what i should do with my lifei love adventure and every misadventure for me is an adventure(most of it anyway)i just think that they dont understand me, i mean mewhat would you feel if your parents just told youthey cant trust you coz you laugh too loud in public (my mom told me that)i really am in a depressive mood this period of my lifehahayand having a cold doesnt help eitherby the way, thanks for hearing me out^_^but dont worry about it, k?

my fourth lament

Gosh, it's been a while since i've written in this blog but what the heck, i'm writing in it again.
It's summer and we have summer classes, ahhh... when is my "vacation" coming. I've always secretly detested summer (not secret anymore isn't it ^_^). It's hot, it's boring, it makes me think of thoughts of conquering lands which arent even on my horizon of thought.
During summers (way back when i was a kid), i remember me and all my cousins would "re-unite" and play with and against each other. And even if we fight, there would always be that unspoken agreement that we were united. But now, everything's changed. And no one's to blame (ofcourse! ughh!). I would use to love those summers coz sometimes our aunts would take us to get aways like an amusement park, the beach, island hoppings, and we'd have so much fun. But those are memories now and I would sometimes think if they had ever happened. I feel like our family's falling apart. No one seems to trust what the other kin is saying or listen to it (between the lines). I wish I was forever a kid and I hadn't need to listen to adult gossip, envy and suspicions. I wish I was a kid again so I wouldn't rack my brains trying to find a solution or even a reason to this mess. I wish I was a kid so I would be back to that grease-faced, tough, stubborn and naughty little runt who'd climb trees and wish she was a long lost daughter of some other family and one day she would be reunited with them and none of this problems would face her again.
I use to love those summers coz its the time when i dont have to wish for a beach outing or a trip to our mountains (ours daw, char)
I really hated those summers also because i never did remember being anyones favorite..........
But those summers are gone and now i've grown up (i think). And i've realized that you cant change your past but you can do something about your future.

my third lament

I was so upset today coz my bestfriend left me at the school lobby in order to catch the bus. I guess she forgot that she had to wait for me. If my classmates hadn't mentioned that she left earlier I would have probably waited for her for the whole day and probably worried as to why she hadn't come.
I needed a hug that day
but no one was there
I wanted to cry today
but really no one cares
I dont demand anything from anyone and I'm a loyal friend yet why, why am I always being left out. Am I expecting too much?
Am I overbearing? Stressful to be with? What's wrong with me?

my second lament

If my meddling aunt hadn't asked the bank to close my mom's accounts there, I would have graduated from an exclusive private school and graduated with enough confidence to stand up for myself and what I truly believe in. Maybe I wouldn't be so confused and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be so looked down on. My thoughts linger in the past and what could have been if my relatives weren't so meddling. I would not have been an average girl with average grades with a secret boyfriend and a complicated family story which no one could never understand unless they were in our family.

my first lament

my first lament would be about my mom. I wish my mom would trust me to go out with friends, to have a boyfriend and to laugh and shout to my heart's content in public places.
I wish my dad would have a stable job and not be home all the time lounging around.
I wish my grandfather had not died without paying his debts to my mom.
I wish I had stayed at the school where i found my first bestfriend and i wish she had remembered to invite me to her debut.
I wish we weren't pushed down to the dirt and I wish life would just be easy for me and my family
but then again, life isnt that easy. It never was easy even from the moment, we got out of our mom's wombs.

introduction

This blog will be my output for my secret sorrows and pains. this blog would be my dark side. things i'm too afraid to say to others, i will post here.