my 17th lament: a poem to a friend

you've always been my bestfriend
a shoulder to cry on when I thought it was the end
you've seen a side I never knew
and made me laugh and cry so true

but ever since that kiss you gave
it's been like you went to grave
awkward pauses here and there
it made me feel you were never there

before I never knew of second thoughts
I'd tell you every news the wind had brought
but now oh cursed now
where are you now

I miss my friend
it hurts when friendship ends
you that I could always depend on
that I thought I could always call on

will you come back to me
my friend
forget that kiss you said was none
and be again my friend

my 16th lament: it's all my fault

I know there are some secrets that should really be kept as secrets but somehow i haven't learned from my mistakes. in doing so, I hurt the one I like the most. Somehow I always end up hurting this guy and I don't know if he'll ever forgive me. I really hope he does even though what I did was the worst act of betrayal I could do for a love one. sigh...

A Lonely Dream

Last night I had a lonely dream. I dreamt I had been left at a boarding school where I don't want to mingle with the other students. I had a father who was loving and kind but could be indifferent at most times. The dream was gloomy and dark like there was a shadow of a wall blocking me from the outer world.

my 15th lament: the road not taken

I'm confused and sad. i feel like I'm in a relationship because i love the fact that i am loved and that the person i chose is "safe". I think of this other person and end comparing to someone that would only take me for granted if I chose him (not that he likes me that way).

I always said that love can be learned and that one should choose the person who loves him/her most rather than the one you love most but in my mind I am defying my own advices and think that I am being unfair. I am in a mental debate and I fear I might just get lost in the process, I don't want to hurt him yet am I not slowly hurting him if I increase his hopes? He might really get hurt if I disappoint him or reject him one day. I don't think I love him that much but I really do care about his feelings and I feel that I could be happy with him but am I really making the right choice? Even if the one I (think) I love does not love me but as long as he is happy then I am happy too right?

sigh....

my 4th smile?

It's the first time that I felt this way. Yearning for the presence of a person. I miss him so much and I really don't understand it. Is this finally what they call love? If so then it is too weird. I can't really explain it very well. I'd stare up at the ceiling thinking of him. I'd wake up with thoughts of him and I think of him before I sleep. Isn't it annoying? But I don't really know if I like this feeling. I'm scared of it, that's for sure. Because if this is love, then I'm sure to feel hurt somewhere along the way. I am not yet willing to be hurt. If I am in love, I should be willing to take the risk, to sacrifice for a person who may be worth it, to put another above myself... I wonder what it would be like-to be hurt because of this person.

an epigraph

Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind

it would be nice if this could be my epitaph

A poem from the poet

If I told you I didn't love you like you love me, would you cry...
If I told you I chose you because you love me most, would you be hurt...
Time and time again, I have felt your tears
The many wounds I have inflicted on your heart
will they one day disappear?
If I would learn to love another, will I finally understand your pain
I do not wish to love
I do not wish to cry
I do not ever want to feel like I will die
You love me
But
Should you always love me
Should you always be by my side
I've given nothing but grief
I've shared nothing but pain
My smile is all you see
But from my heart you have nothing to gain
I have a wound bigger than my hand
A wound that seems to slowly heal
But will it heal in time
Or will your love waver
in good time
As it heals, I willingly cling to your touch
I willingly dare to accept your kiss
I accept everything
but can I handle this
If one day, it all leaves me
The trust and dependence
I learned to slowly give
will have nowhere to go
and a dark abyss replace
all the feelings I have learned
Can I handle this
with just a memory of your last kiss?

my 14th lament: ranting

what's the big deal with love? why do i need to feel in love? why do i need to experience the pain that comes with it? i would rather be numb than to feel the helplessness that comes with not knowing what to do or what to say infront of that person. why can i just be contented with what i have going on now? love is a fickle, today you're happy, tomorrow you're sad. when it ends, so does your world.
can't you just love normally and be contented with that? i really hate it when my friends go swooning over their current love lives or being upset when it's not working out. the world is going to continue turning even if you fall out of love or when your partner looses his/her love for you. In the end it would just be you alone, so don't try so hard, you'll just be in pain in the end.
what kind of rant is this? its like a rant for a girl looking for love.... grrrr....

my second smile

I've always posted laments in my blog but this time it will change. i have to look for the positive side in my life and stop looking at the bad. if i keep looking at the bad side of my life then that's all I'll ever see. as i go on with my everyday life, i should thank God for the things i have and appreciate what exists around me, only then will I realize that i live in abundance and not in lack.
I am lucky to be the eldest cousin to my cousins for they look up to me with their problems. I thank God that I have been given to them for guidance and I hope I don't let them lose their way. (even if I give them a hard time^_^)
I am thankful that I have such a hardworking mother and a sister who cares for me. And I'm thankful for having such a smart brother and a father who is very helpful to his fellowmen.
I am thankful that I am brave enough to face the days that come and I'm thankful that I can finally understand the people around me.
I am thankful that I am beautiful in my own unique way and I can write what I want freely and without hesitation.
I am thankful that I can speak my mind and learn easily and thankful that I have been given a chance to study at a school where I find wonderful friends and cute teachers >wink<
and most of all I am thankful that I am a creation of God and part of the human race.
^_^

my first smile

today i'll smile
something i rarely do
because the world has lit up for me
and i know frowning just wont do

the world is big
and everyday it brings
a new beginning
a fresh new start

so even if i fail today
i know that when tomorrow comes
i'll have a chance
to begin a new day

my 14th lament: a me not quite

slowly day by day, i become someone I'm not. though i try not to change, somehow my life just does. even if i don't seem to look like it, my heart's not really made of stone. i get easily hurt by the things that pass by and even though i don't need to get hurt i still do. my life frustrates me, my heart deserts me, I'm left, a wanderer that comes with the wind. a nobody that leaves no mark or foot print and leaves with the wind. my heart hurts, my head aches, my soul is withering away. how could i have done something so wrong as to put my friend's trusts on the line.