my 15th lament: the road not taken

I'm confused and sad. i feel like I'm in a relationship because i love the fact that i am loved and that the person i chose is "safe". I think of this other person and end comparing to someone that would only take me for granted if I chose him (not that he likes me that way).

I always said that love can be learned and that one should choose the person who loves him/her most rather than the one you love most but in my mind I am defying my own advices and think that I am being unfair. I am in a mental debate and I fear I might just get lost in the process, I don't want to hurt him yet am I not slowly hurting him if I increase his hopes? He might really get hurt if I disappoint him or reject him one day. I don't think I love him that much but I really do care about his feelings and I feel that I could be happy with him but am I really making the right choice? Even if the one I (think) I love does not love me but as long as he is happy then I am happy too right?

sigh....

my 4th smile?

It's the first time that I felt this way. Yearning for the presence of a person. I miss him so much and I really don't understand it. Is this finally what they call love? If so then it is too weird. I can't really explain it very well. I'd stare up at the ceiling thinking of him. I'd wake up with thoughts of him and I think of him before I sleep. Isn't it annoying? But I don't really know if I like this feeling. I'm scared of it, that's for sure. Because if this is love, then I'm sure to feel hurt somewhere along the way. I am not yet willing to be hurt. If I am in love, I should be willing to take the risk, to sacrifice for a person who may be worth it, to put another above myself... I wonder what it would be like-to be hurt because of this person.

an epigraph

Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind

it would be nice if this could be my epitaph