my 20th smile: finally

Nice, my smiles have finally caught up to my laments. This is good news. hehehe. Anywayz, gonna go on duty at the Operating room finally. Though I'm a bit downcast since I have financial issues again... sigh... I wish I can finally graduate and work so that I can pay for what I want already. I know it's hard. and more often do I wish for something else. But I know that hard work has its rewards. And it's more sweet when you work hard for things.

Besides being a professional Nurse
I still wish to be a writer though...
And to travel to Japan
And to experience living by myself
And to learn how to cook
And to pay for my siblings tuition
And to travel with my family

And when everything gets said and done,
maybe get married to the man God has chosen for me to be happy with.

my 19th smile: choosing happiness

Memories can't bring the past back nor can it heal the pain, sometimes nonchalance and blocking works but efforts can just go down the drain. Time heals all wounds they say as time brings others near, but happiness is not brought by time, it's by choosing who to hold dear.

my 18th smile: chance

it all started with a game of chance
that turned into a game of love
what to make of it
I don't really know
But each day I spend with you
Somehow I think to go
and yet somehow all I want is to stay

a bittersweet promise

I remember when your every word
seemed to cut
when even a tiny action
makes me wanna cry
Now it's over
it's just like your dead
Though I never want it to be the same
the good times we had shared
I long for them
I'm not done
and I can feel it
It's not over
even if my heart and mind denies it
our paths will meet again

my 17th smile: love?

And so again I ask about love. What is love? Tsk... Andrew is like an answer to an untold prayer. Someone I unconsciously wished for yet could not believe truly exists. In truth I am scared that one day it ends again. I wonder why it's like that... But after all... this did not start with love. This started with a prayer (for his side). I... I did not think to pray at all.

My poems... they're beyond my grasp. I think I'm holding back something. God... there are so many questions in my head that I can't think of how to verbalize them but I know that in your time and in your grace, all that needs to be cleared will be cleared and all that needs to be answered will be answered. Use me for your glory Lord. I don't know if me and Andrew will last... and I don't know what tomorrow will bring but if it's you Lord, I know it will all be alright... Thank you and Amen.

my 16th smile: catching up

Yehey, my *smiles* are catching up with my *laments*. ^_^
Another reason to smile. hehehehe
I hope it catches up soon.

Hm... updates... well, everything seems to be fine these days so don't really have a reason to lament... maybe... there is a little thing but let's just keep that in my mind for now. It's a thought I don't want to approach. ^_^

my 15th smile: for Andrew

a gentle breeze
that's who you are
soft and gently blowing

You hold me close
yet I am free
feeling loved by knowing

my 14th smile: Ready for a fall by PJ Olsson

You sit there in my shadows
And you call it your relief
Don't be the one with bad eyes for
The things that I could see
(Don't give me that)

The darkness has no armor
Need protection from the air
High hopes through time passing
When I see I want you there

[Chorus]
I can't believe
You're the one for me
If it was this easy to find you
I should be ready for a fall
I should be ready for a fall

Now my wonders rally
Around the person I once was
Like a bird that I've been helping
Hope you're healed and strong
You never know when you might have to fly

[Pre-Chorus]
Where will you go after me
Where will you go after I set you free
And I don't know you from a page in my book
Though I should
Though I should

[Chorus]

Where will you go after me
Where will you go after I set you free
And I don't know you from a page in my book
Though I should

[Chorus Out]

my 13th smile

I am really avoiding to post laments here already coz I had a goal to be happy. To change my sad disposition. I noticed, sorrow has been my inspiration for my poems for the past few years that I had learned to write. I wish to write of happiness and not sadness. For now, I'm opening up my old wounds. Wounds that have piled up... I want them healed. In a way they have leaving "living" scars... but this time I want those scars dead. These things, I have created for myself, I can't heal them by myself... Maybe I've found God. Maybe I've stopped being lost. Maybe this is really my year after all... My year of change and growth. Hopefully I've gone out of it... That dark place. I refuse to go back... But if I faced my inner demons... would that help? or would I fall again... If I am sad... it makes me write... I want to write when I am happy... But the darker shades... they're more "writable". Writing about happiness makes me feel cheesy and corny... Tsk... got to find a comfortable zone. I wonder though.... and I pray... that my current boyfriend would be the one. But if he's the one... I think we would face many hardships...

my 12th smile...

As I look at your sleeping face
I forget the time or the place
If somehow time could freeze a day
God, can you let it be today

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

My thoughts drift farther and away
to one I'd really leave someday
an old wish not to fall in love
a longing secret wish to stay

Wishes made by a girl who feared
a future not to be endeared
But as she grew and learned a bit
She learned that was not really it

The fears she had were never hers
They really were another's tears
mixed with the ones she kept inside
and producing another kind

Someday these things I will let go
I will give love another go
The past that really wasn't mine
Soon I'll make my own new design

my 11th smile: ^_^

I'm just smiling coz life is really nice and God has been nice to me this year. ^_^

I found a new man to love. And I'm starting to fall for him... bad...

It's just short time that we became officially part of each other's lives but it feels like we're part of each other... hehehe

A bit cliche I think. But.... it's so.... overwhelming.

my 10th smile: an unforgettable kiss

out of breath

knees shaken

your kiss has left me

feeling shaken

my 9th smile: just wanna smile

His brother now knows. My bestfirend now knows. Hehehehe

and he's making me happy though we're not "on" yet. ^_^

my fear is falling for him coz it's so easy and I think I might be doing just that

I want to reflect and realize that it's not a fear that it's something inevitable and that I should just let it be...

Coz I'm happy with him...

I'm happy to feel his hand hold mine...

It's just an emotion that I can't define for now... But I think I'm afraid to lose control.

But anyway, I trust him coz he's my bestfriend's cousin just basically because of that I trust him.

If my parents heard my logic they wouldn't believe it.... But anyway, I think I'm saying yes to him.

My 8th smile: novus primo?

So basically... things happened a lot in the months that I haven't been here... My Bf and I broke up then went to MU stage then really really broke up and now I'm in a weird relationship... But he's the source of my secret smiles for now... And I mean secret. Coz so far... only my sister knows that me and this guy have been dating... Why the secret? First of all, he's my bestfriends' cousin and I mean that in the plural... Second of all... he's 5 years older than me.... and last of all.... we come from different religions.... Oh yeah and I'm taking a breather first from my last relationship... But I can say... he's a bit special... don't know how much yet though but he's different... incomparable to my last Bf, not necessarily in a "he's better" sort of comparison but in a they're both unique individuals sort of comparison.

So for now... let's just say, he could be a new beginning...

my 7th smile

So basically, I observed that I was in the dumps when I fought with my bf and now that we're okay. I'm okay. Sheesh, this is why I hate being involved. It's too emotionally ransacking.

Anyway, facing the sunrise with a smile. ^_^

My 6th smile

I will do my best to achieve my dreams.

my 18th lament: pain and pleasure? Or dignity and principles.

February 14, 2009

We almost did the real thing with my bf. Sure we make out and stuff but I already told him my boundaries. I almost did want it to happen but I know I will regret it in the future. I will feel self pity and angry at myself for not upholding my beliefs but in the midst of it all, I asked myself, what would have happened if we did it?

My trust in him has diminished but I still love him. At least he stopped himself when I asked him and we made peace in the end. I told him, I was angry at him and he knows my past. He should have known how trust was very important to me. I had asked him do we need space and he said no. I half heartedly agreed with him but when i thought about it more, I have a feeling we do need that space but I've always been like this, wanting space when things confuse me.

I don't want that space.

my 5th smile

feels like everything's okay. ^_^

My cousins are here and it's just fun to have them around. listen to their stories. Teasing and playing around. It's nice to have a big family.