My 28th smile: Dreams

I used to think I'd never want to be in the Medical field. Hospitals used to scare me. They gave off a weird smell reminding me of disease, sorrow, death... Yet 15 years later found me studying to become a nurse. Nursing was pretty much a decision made from peer pressure and teenage "wisdom". I thought of it as a stepping stone to a brighter and "greener" future. I found out later that those pastures that I thought of weren't necessarily something my heart wanted. I wasn't that tempted with what a large salary would offer. I wasn't enjoying the notion of going far away to work. My best friend, who used to be in the same boat was following her own dreams. The reasons why I chose my course was starting to dwindle.

Nursing is a very precious and noble profession. In my studies, I have learned how important they were in the health care field. They care for the patient holistically. Their presence is there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They listen to the patients even when their patient was confabulating or hallucinating. They man the hospital positions. I have never been more thankful for their presence than when I became a student nurse. It was a field I found interesting though stressful, challenging but very rewarding. Think about the hopeful eyes that look up to you for questions. Think about the thank you's when you give them care. The feeling when your patient gets discharged.

But something bothered me. Am I in the right place? I don't feel right in this white apron. Should I be a nurse? Am I wasting my life? They were very bothersome questions indeed. I panicked a little and decided that its too late to change that now. I've always found something to be happy about wherever I am placed.

I was assigned to the Dengue observation room one day and doing the usual vital signs. It was very important to take note of the temperatures of the patients. And it was very important to keep the temperature of dengue patients normal. One patient was having a fever and we couldn't administer any medication unless we had doctor's orders... The thing was, the doctor couldn't be reached so we had to wait. We didn't need to wait long though, the doctor arrived a little over 30 minutes(grrr, wonder where he went). But those times when he wasn't there, I was worried. I wanted to give the patient the medicine for fever that could just be bought Over the counter but my role as a nurse prevented me from doing that. It made me start thinking that I should have been the doctor. It would have made a difference. I would try my best not to make the patients wait.

I thought my thoughts of being a doctor would pass but it didn't. It lingered in my mind until now. It disturbed me a bit. It entered my thoughts during my jeepney rides. It drifts in while I'm alone in class. It haunts even my dreams. It even haunts me when I'm awake. Doctors that I don't know started asking me or suggesting if I wanted to be a doctor. (e.g. someone in the ER, someone in the OR and even a passing acquaintance).

I let it sink for a while. Being a doctor would mean... a few...no a LOT more years to study. It would need some... no a LOT of money. And definitely a LOT of patience. But I still thought of the possibilities. The years of study I can handle (gulp, do I even know what that means?). I can probably (hopefully) find some scholarship (somehow). Well, patience I think I have a lot of that (eh? you?).

I prayed that God would somehow give me a sign and I am not yet in the confirmatory stage. I am in doubt. I'm even in fear of a future that might not even be bound to happen. My mind tends to be fickle and it changes more than once in a while. But, one thing that has remained constant in my life is my love for children. And no, being a teacher was not in the list. If ever I was going to be a doctor, I was going to be one who specializes in children. Maybe even a pediatrician.

I realized that the dreams I made when I was a child wasn't the same as the dreams I have now. (I realized that being an astronaut can be scary after all). And that I can't just be bound by fear and doubt. One step I make could be a mistake but that step could also be a blessing.

As for now, I'm going to take the NMAT on December 12 and seeing how it goes. After that, we'll see. :)

Another thought that lingers is that even as I study as a nurse, I do not think of myself as the lady with a white cap but my mind travels to the lady with the white coat and a stethoscope. :)

my 27th smile: peace

Thank goodness. Me and my friends have now set aside our anger, hurt and pride and made peace. I look forward to a more productive group than ever. Good luck to us and to our future.
^_^

my 26th lament: abused

I feel a bit abused. And I think I'd rather talk to my bestfriend rather than my blog.

my 25th lament

Let it be known that my writing has impact. In this case negative impact. I wrote too many harsh words for someone and some of them were below the belt. I realize I don't have the right to say those things because I don't really know him and I don't know what kind of life he has. I spoke out of anger, in defense of my group mates. Me, who was the least affected. Tsk tsk. And though I know how hard it is to put my flag down and apologize, I'll still do it. Though I'm still thinking how to do it without losing All of my dignity and pride.

Dear Lord, I know its going to be hard to apologize but please... give me the opportunity to do so. I fear the risk of being taken for a fool but if its for everyone's sake I'll apologize. Its just so hard.

my 24th lament

Happy Birthday to me. Yet, the day wasn't that good. He came by early in the morning and greeted me. He also gave me a gift. Yet, later in the day, it wasn't so good.
I attended mass but my heart wasn't in it. I hanged out with friends but not the ones I wanted. I ate a lot of food but not cooked by the person I wanted them to be cooked (my mom). All in all... not one of my better birthdays.

I wanted to attend mass earlier but had to attend the later one wherein I totally wanted to get out of. I didn't want to regret going to mass. I wanted to give my heart to the Lord yet it was troubled.

I hanged out with the one I loved and with some friends... but those friends just talked about their fun pasts... pasts I was never in. I know they didn't mean it but I longed for the company of my bestfriends.

I expected my mom to cook something special at home but it was just one of those normal dinners. Even the ice cream was in the flavor I hated. And I had to travel a great distance to go to some unknown cemetary to visit someone I don't know. I feel like an outsider.

The day didn't feel special at all. It sucked. It made me feel bad. And here I am waiting for his reply, it gets worse as he doesn't. Though I'm sure he's just sleeping or something. I still feel bad.

I just feel so emotionally abused today.

my 26th smile: pondering on my view of life

The Window (author unknown maybe Ceres Visarra)

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young wife sees her neighbor hang the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said to her husband. "The neighbor doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor hung her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the young woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on her neighbor's line and said to her husband, "Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"

Can you see how it might be a good idea to check first, to see if your windows are clean? What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the windows through which we look. Before we give any criticism, it might be a good idea to check our state of mind and ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good rather than just look for something wrong in the people we encounter.

my 25th smile: Pondering on a new goal

I've thought on things and I've always wanted to jump a little higher, take the road up the mountain... you get the gist. One thing that has been constant in my life though is my love for children (Okay, so I do bully them once in a while *wink).

I know I've always been a bit (a bit?) lost, soul searching... etc... I wanted to find something in my life that I will pursue no matter what... But what I want to pursue seems to be too much for me.

I thought about it during duty in the Dengue Observation Room. Why don't I become a pediatrician? I've actually imagined it. And I know it sounds like one of those fleeting goals again but I think I've actually got something concrete right now.

Comparing it to my previous goals which were somewhat more on proving myself to others, this goal is to serve the people most close to my heart - kids.

Its something I've never thought of before - to be a doctor. But I think I can handle it. I hope to God I can handle it.

The thing is though... med school is expensive and I don't mean only the tuition. I'm thinking about this more and more and I would like to pray for it.

Dear God, it seems I've found something I want to do. Something I haven't thought about, ever yet its something that my heart agrees with. Lord, I've always been one of those lost sheep but I hope and pray that if this path is mine to take then I'll take it Lord. Lord, I can see too many obstacles ahead, finances, stress, frustrations... yet, I have decided to trust in you Lord and its time, I let you take over my life. It is yours Lord as it has always been yours since the beginning. This I pray in Jesus name. Amen.

my 24th smile: message for my 23 or 25 year old self

I now have a plan for my 23rd or 25th year on Earth. Hehehe
I'm going on a trip somewhere in Asia. Probably Korea or Japan and stay at a temple. I'm excited at the thought. It's probably gonna be my last (???) soul searching before I get wed. Hehehe. I don't really know what happens during that age but we'll see when I get there. But I wanna do the soul searching in a temple. A quiet one. I'm thinking the cave temples of Korea. They've got a cool Temple Stay program that includes basic martial arts so I'm thinking of going there.
I wonder how mature I'll be when that time happens.

I don't even know if I'll get proposed to or something but even if I don't. I'm still thinking of going to a temple. Though something is bothering me. Buddhism is a religion and I wonder if being a Christian would be bothering to them. I was gonna say,"I came here to seek guidance for my soul". The thought was so cool. :p

I have no plans on telling anyone where I am though. Maybe someone will look for me (I hope so). Though, I'm sure my family will worry so I'll have to leave them a long letter. I also don't know what will happen in a year so... still contemplating on that. I was thinking of being gone for a year but I don't know how much that'll cost... I might go broke then I'd have to really live in the mountain. hahaha! Oh well, let's just see how things go.

I'm also thinking of putting up a business so that I can pay for my trip. Things will happen if the Lord permits. I hope I can go there sooner though.

my 23rd lament

I have this heavy feeling on my chest again. I feel annoyed at him and want to distance, detach myself from him. This talk about entering seminary feels a bit concrete and because I think my feelings are still unsure about it (even though I've lifted it to God...), the talk about it annoys me. That's why I feel like I want to uninvolve myself.

my 23rd smile

Wonder if I can really call this a smile when its a little sad. He's going to go into seminary next year and I want to tell him, "What about me? What about us?" but I know I need to let him go. This could be his calling and if so I'd only be a hindrance. And its not like he's going to be a priest or something. He's going to be a pastor I think or at least that's how I understand things. And he's gonna go far away... For real this time and I wonder if I can take it. I'm feeling ambivalent about things coz I want to be happy for him. If this is what's in his heart. I should be happy for him. But sometimes I can't help but want to feel selfish but I know it would also be useless. Unless God wills it, I cant stop him.

Anyway, the things I got from camp... learning, affirmations, probably callings? I think the Lord affirmed my feelings for him and yet, he brought on this.... topic. But I think whatever His plans are, I just need to be still and know that he is God. And as for plans... I think I want to be involved in the Children's ministry. I know I've always wanted to be involved in something related to youth. And I think I'd do good in the Children's ministry. Serving God through children...

my 22nd lament: Bad day

Ah.... so my ex boyfriend finally got over me. The recent ex boyfriend that is. And a song just popped up my mind. "Bad day" by Daniel Powter
Not really because of the getting over part, I just had a bad day and this just topped it off. I guess this is HIS theme song... Hahaha!; (irony written all over it)

I just remembered also that the Other ex requested me to search for a copy of this song before. Sheesh.

But anyway, life goes on.

my 21st lament: missing a family

I've not known what its like to miss a family but I there's a family that I miss.
I miss the Iglamo family. When I was part of their family, I felt at home. I especially miss Tita Wena. She was like our mother. The stay at home version of my mother that is. Their father is my idea of an ideal father. Working day and night to provide a home for his family. Supportive yet protective of his sons. Wanting the best that he can give.
I miss them.

21st smile: a prayer

Lord, please walk with me
Make me see the road where you want me to be
Being single; being wed
matters not much for me
These matters are trivial
Yet the choice is not for me
I am your princess
a daughter loved and cared
what you think best
I will not argue
Just give me strength to stay pure and true
Lord, walk with me
even as I sin
remorse and guilt I have felt
yet by your grace I live again.

my 20th lament: seeking his presence

You...
I miss you.
I miss your touch, your smile
your presence
I want you here and now
beside me
listening to your voice
our conversations
somehow I think it doesn't work
this temporary separation
when I see you
it's all the same
I hope my waiting ends soon...

my 19th lament: for real?

Early 2009

It's been so long since I listened to the pleas of my heart
I just want to stop breathing
I'm stopping all reactions from coming
preventing thoughts from returning
as I see them
I know why he does them
and it works...
the reactions I had before
it's still the same
is he really testing my patience
is he really testing my growth?
what does he want to accomplish?
could I really be that conceited in thinking of these things?
am I really just pretending?
trying to cover up the wounds that he made
but it's too late. him and me.
some things can't be put together once they've broken
maybe one day he'll realize reasons to smile
but if this is a test, passing it would hurt a lot of people
failing it would hurt me

because of him, I can write
because of him, I can pray
2 different men in my life
I thought I couldn't choose
but one of them tests my decisions
one of them would support either
either way, I'm at a loss
I still can't make decisions by myself
I don't know what to do

He always sparks me to write
poems, stories
He inspires me in his silence
The other inspires me with his words
And while I know I am happy
I also know why I am sad
I also know why I can't breathe

Maybe it's a simmering anger
Maybe it's a simmering hope
After 2 or 3 years he's gonna give up
and yet I'm hoping he will not
Even now, he makes me write.