Where

Show not tell
Oh, infidel
Where does thou mind take you now
In thy likeness share
the pain I bear
Coz love is a cross too much too much
I fear

A chapter closed

I say good bye to you
good bye to the love story that never was
And never will

I close a chapter now
And forever, in this lifetime
Because I believe in soulmates
I believe in love

Thank you for the magic
Of that once in a lifetime dream
sitting by the ocean
hidden by a gleam

Thank you for the talk
that was really more
Our souls somehow met then and there
and we knew

How can I cry
Over something that never spilled
How can I bemoan
something that never started

Still this heart of mine still cries
coz goodbyes can be so sad
But, I still have to say it
Good bye Pied Piper

Catching a cloud

I stare at him in wonder
He's a white cloud turning gray
I try to catch him and fail
Always forgetting he's air
To be Somewhere, anywhere
Is where he would rather be
I try to catch him and fail
I wanna know how it feels
To catch a flighty white cloud
Feel the air around me; Fly

Unending Love by Rabindranath Tagore

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
Its ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers, shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell-
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours –
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

Restless

All those times wondering if I was adopted - wishing I was adopted yet finding out I was not. I thought how lucky it must be for people to find, after all their sufferings, that the parents they had were not their parents after all, and that the life they had was not the life meant for them after all.

I had it all figured out. I was gonna wake up, and it was all going to be different, I was the ragged girl who was gonna be Cinderella. I was the orphan with a set of wonderful parents.

Why don't I fit in here? Why am I so different? My soul wanders and my mind thinks differently. I am wired to be a disappointment to everyone. I am too emotional, too wrapped up in empathy or sympathy, so opposite the stoic and strong-hearted people that I live with. Too lazy, too useless, too angry, too restless, too different, too weak. I am the white sheep in the field of wolves, I am lost in this world that I have long thought not be my home.

Why did I have to find you? You who twisted my version of comfort zones? You who woke the repressed thoughts that I had. Those things I would have willingly forgotten, those things I shunned in order to have a life averagely acceptable.

I wish to travel by myself and just get lost.

Write and Write and Write and Write and Write

I just want to write and write and write and write until I exhaust myself to sleep and just write. Like a musician playing the piano on and on, pouring his soul into the ivory keyboards, playing the tune in his head that won't go away. Like the  cursed violin that kept playing ruining the life of the person who played it. Let me pour out my mind into this piece as I listen to She & Him. Talking about love in their songs, not like the shallow love songs in the radio today. Talking about bodies molding into one, about kisses and momentary passion. What is that to the love that I have felt? More than bodies, more than minds, more than words, more than ideas and activities shared into one.

How about the love of people whom you thought loved each other through thick and thin. 3 kids yet the guy looks for another woman. What makes a guy look for a third party anyway and why does it always have to be the guy? Is it impossible for a girl to look for another person also? What makes people look outside their chosen commitments anyway? Is it un-satisfaction? Is it boredom? Well there should be a lot of lacking in their lives not to be content in more than one partner. Why should the kids suffer? Why are people broken and imperfect, thoughtless and cruel? To be so honest to oneself would destroy the world and is frankly counter progressive to what they say is man's purpose anyway.

I want to rebel to all the thoughts that a rational man should have. I want to run away from being human and let go of all this rational side of me. I want to be a caveman, relying on the earth to provide me with food and shelter and my basic concerns involve only feeding my stomach and rarely my mind. But with my personality of always wanting to learn, of always being curious, I would be a fast learning caveman indeed.

My love's chapters

What do I really feel? Do I feel lust? Love? I feel like my heart's made of marshmallow, soft and maybe kind of shallow. But sometimes I think its like clay, easily molded to what my mind tells it to be. What is love? Is it the secrets shared in kisses under the rain. Is it the awe and wonder at the flying lanterns in the sky. The surprise of finding miracles in the middle of desserts. The cool breeze of the sea at night.

Is love the hands that hold me together when I think I'm shattering but whose hands are these? That which know who I've been and where I was. Why do you hold me once and yet let go. We danced to the music of our souls, we talked with the demands of our minds, yet that momentary waltz all but ended too soon even before I knew the music stopped. That momentary music that paused in the middle of the dance. I was left hanging and now I don't know where to go. Will you at least let me go? My Pied Piper of Hamelin. Take off this huge rock that you have lodged between my heart and mind. Your story is unfinished and I really hate it so.

You are a coward, a "Peter Pan". Who talks so much of the world and human nature. Yet you test too much the patience of a human heart. It is not in your hands.

When does our story end?

The kisses shared under the stars
The warm caresses under pale moonlights
I see these memories play on repeat
Repeat, repeat

The warm caresses under the pale moonlights
turn to steamy embraces
that goes on and on
Repeat, repeat

I see these memories play on repeat
and pause; When does our story end?
I ask myself this once more
Repeat, repeat

Getting out of my box

I've been so wrapped up around myself that I didn't know what's been happening with the people I love. I am really disturbed that I didn't know what my bestfriend has been going through and I feel inadequate that I was not there for her when she might have needed me the most.

Reach

I grasp at the straws of goodness and brightness around me
Trying to ignore the darkness I was holding within

Letters to A

I miss you and I just want to hang on the phone and talk to you but I can't do that. It would be unfair and annoying and selfish of me. But I wish it was like the old days where I'd be the spoiled brat that annoys you before the day is over, demands your time and nags you.
I wanna tell you how my day was so boring and interesting and how I want to go home. I wanna rant to you and just complain because I have no one to complain to (and now literally no one anyway) but I can't because I made a choice. Sigh. I know things are different now as they are supposed to be but I can't help but miss you and long for your presence. However, my mind hasn't changed that this space is what I need. Let God take care of the rest of my story.

In my own form of art

Tinted orange, the sun has set
I glided down the lush green mountain
On a bike with my best friend
And let the wind kiss and caress my cheeks
As I raised my hands and embraced it
Until I die I don't want to forget that moment
My heart may burst with passion
with appreciation of God's creation

Ranting and wondering

I guess it shouldn't surprise me because it's already summer time but I still wanna rant. Hehehe
I wonder how you can stand not to text me or message me or anything if you had loved me. Not even a status post or a random text. I guess I wasn't that important or us breaking up wasn't that big a deal. I'm kind of disappointed.
I wonder how you can have such online presence now and never before. Though I guess its because it's summer vacation already.
Can you really stand it all? Unlike me who could never stand it before... :(
Oh well... Carry on with my life... Hehehe

Alone but not lonely

I am alone but I am not lonely. True, I miss talking to a person who has no choice but to listen to me nag and rant and just talk about random things but it's okay. Right now, I feel like I am learning to take each day one at a time. I have somehow found courage to do things I would never do by myself and I feel like I am forced to grow up and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I would even say it's been long overdue. Meanwhile, I've been busy with family duties, council duties and church duties. And I hope all of that goes well. :)

Letters to A

Hey, how are you? A few days have passed and I've missed you. Though, I can't go back on my word anymore and just say it was an April fool's joke. I think this is also a time for us both to think what are our priorities. I wish I can still get back with you, as of now, I am optimistic about getting back with you. And if and when that time comes, I want it to be last and final. I don't want another break up song. I don't want another fickle moment. Maybe he's just an alibi I used to get out of a relationship that I don't see anymore the direction.
I am also not planning to do the courting anymore. I just want things to flow by itself. I don't want to be the one steering this ship anymore. I pray God would steer it and I know He would steer it the right way. As I have always prayed for in the past; Be safe, be strong, be healthy, be wise, be diligent.
Don't let me be the one that weighs you down. Right now, you are also weighing me down. I know I'm missing people right now, I'm missing you a lot. But if we don't separate, I don't think I'll be able to grow anymore. I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on my studies. I have to think by myself for now and stop thinking about you. Stop thinking about us. I can't say "I love you" anymore... Not yet. Even if I did, I can't. Not yet.
Sincerely,
N

No April fool joke

Today, I broke up with you. I broke up because I wanted to deal with serendipity, with soulmates or twin souls or whatever the universe has conspired with Fate to make this cruel joke.
I want to apologize though I dont know what for. Maybe because I know I have hurt you.
I am exchanging my Good mayor with the Pied Piper of Hamelin.
I dont even know where this will take me. I foresee a lot of Trouble in the future especially if it does happen that we are twin souls.
However, God knows everything and I dont want to do things by myself anymore and I dont want to leave A senselessly waiting for me.
Sometimes I wish this magic never happened but only on the tip of my brain, because who can tell where this road is going? And when have I ever refused an adventure? My bestfriend has described me as the dangerous one because of my inclination to decide when my feelings are at its peak, but rarely do I regret those types of decisions and oftentimes I am more at peace when I folow my intuition.
Right now I can say my mind has taken a reckless pace and I am not sure if my heart is in the lead but if Fate and Serendipity are working together I dont know what will stop them.
And when twin souls meet... it almost always leads to a revolution around them.
Dear God, surely it wont be too hard... please?

Soul mate

When I saw you some time ago, I knew something was different, that this person would be interesting. You're a fascinating creature, an interesting piece. When you held my hand, the phrase "fit like a glove" fit that moment perfectly. Talking with you made me ignore that I have slept barely 2 hours last night and with you there was no dull moment, no boring space. When we spoke, I felt that you had suddenly opened my mind and read it. You used different words but we had the same thoughts. The words I needed to say need not be said any more because you had said them. Connections, chains unbroken, kindred souls, soul mates...

I will forever hold that moment in my heart and mind. Thank God there was no lover's moon or our connection would have been overpowered by rising emotions. There was no pressure to be different, to be someone else, to have credentials because we were in a different league. Our standards were of different class, our worlds had suddenly formed their own separate bubble yet we were still on earth.

Beside you was peace. There was no sexual tension, no electricity that sparked, no words that burned. There was only calm amidst the storm. There was a shore beyond the strong unpredictable waves. And even if there was awkwardness, that awkwardness stemmed from the feeling that this should be wrong but it felt not.

I'm thankful that you answered my Why's.

(Sam Remigio 3/22/14: Bantayan Island 3/23-24/14)