Write and Write and Write and Write and Write

I just want to write and write and write and write until I exhaust myself to sleep and just write. Like a musician playing the piano on and on, pouring his soul into the ivory keyboards, playing the tune in his head that won't go away. Like the  cursed violin that kept playing ruining the life of the person who played it. Let me pour out my mind into this piece as I listen to She & Him. Talking about love in their songs, not like the shallow love songs in the radio today. Talking about bodies molding into one, about kisses and momentary passion. What is that to the love that I have felt? More than bodies, more than minds, more than words, more than ideas and activities shared into one.

How about the love of people whom you thought loved each other through thick and thin. 3 kids yet the guy looks for another woman. What makes a guy look for a third party anyway and why does it always have to be the guy? Is it impossible for a girl to look for another person also? What makes people look outside their chosen commitments anyway? Is it un-satisfaction? Is it boredom? Well there should be a lot of lacking in their lives not to be content in more than one partner. Why should the kids suffer? Why are people broken and imperfect, thoughtless and cruel? To be so honest to oneself would destroy the world and is frankly counter progressive to what they say is man's purpose anyway.

I want to rebel to all the thoughts that a rational man should have. I want to run away from being human and let go of all this rational side of me. I want to be a caveman, relying on the earth to provide me with food and shelter and my basic concerns involve only feeding my stomach and rarely my mind. But with my personality of always wanting to learn, of always being curious, I would be a fast learning caveman indeed.

Letters to A

I miss you and I just want to hang on the phone and talk to you but I can't do that. It would be unfair and annoying and selfish of me. But I wish it was like the old days where I'd be the spoiled brat that annoys you before the day is over, demands your time and nags you.
I wanna tell you how my day was so boring and interesting and how I want to go home. I wanna rant to you and just complain because I have no one to complain to (and now literally no one anyway) but I can't because I made a choice. Sigh. I know things are different now as they are supposed to be but I can't help but miss you and long for your presence. However, my mind hasn't changed that this space is what I need. Let God take care of the rest of my story.

Alone but not lonely

I am alone but I am not lonely. True, I miss talking to a person who has no choice but to listen to me nag and rant and just talk about random things but it's okay. Right now, I feel like I am learning to take each day one at a time. I have somehow found courage to do things I would never do by myself and I feel like I am forced to grow up and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I would even say it's been long overdue. Meanwhile, I've been busy with family duties, council duties and church duties. And I hope all of that goes well. :)