When depression is my Muse

When Depression is my muse

And sorrow my wine

I drown myself in bitterness

And sometimes cross a line

At times I see the better days

Just beyond the noose

Then again I see some light

And pretend it just needs some booze

And when morning comes

My alter life begins

The social A-list butterfly

Who can sometimes be recluse

The jack-of-all trades

The wonder volunteer

I feel like such a hypocrite

Even to those I hold dear

Because as I smile it doesn't widen

And my heart is not light

I think life can be so boring

And then sometimes its just all bright

But today the rain in my head cannot stop

And all I really wanna do is put my life on Stop.

Mid-20's crises

I thought awkwardness ended when I graduated from highschool... But no, still that socially awkward girl masking as a post grad student who quietly listens to everything you say in agreement when my mind is shouting expletives about how you should handle things. No, they dont do that in adult world it seems, you just let them be their stupid idiotic selves and watch them burn... Sheeesh.

I feel like nobody listens to what I say and they just prefer to be in their comfort zones or "safe" zones where they think their choices are socially acceptable but I cant help not feeling any sincerity at all.

Charity, service... It's all a shallow facade.

It's like the ends justifies the means or something and I DONT LIKE IT. I don't like this adult world where I'm supposed to fit... T_T

More

I scream at the empty, the in-betweens, the nothingness, the it-seems
this unflavored love that I feel, my hunger for words, for feels
the thirst for more, not hugs, not kisses
the painful yearning of those untouchable emotions that I cannot summon to speak
to express, to burst in an intangible nonreciprocal love that I cannot feel
To ask, to beg, to kneel
before whose words are but driblets to this unending void I feel
More, more, more, I say. I beg tell me more.
Ask, ask, ask please ask of all that I can willingly give.
I have so much more that I can give but I cannot
because you whose body and soul I crave
but of my mind you cannot.

Squeeze out of me, my love, my inspirations
Demand of me, my time, my talents, my dreams
Love me with a selfish love
Possess me, just not my heart nor my body
Crave my mind, my opinions, my ideas
Tell me, argue with me, make love with the challenges
I place with my thoughts, my distorted truths
Challenge my lies and call my bluffs
Play with the nightmares I made myself
Break the crystal walls!

Am I not the girl you love?

Rambling On Late at Night

Having a pastor for a boyfriend is kind of tough. Coming from a Catholic traditional family (except my parents, though), I was exposed to the frenzy of traditional worship and had turned apathetic in the years mostly because of my stubbornness and refusal to follow a path that doesn't answer my questions. I tread carefully and warily because in my mind my boyfriend's path always looms my consciousness and thoughts. Yeah, he's not perfect but realistic me still has to keep up with the expectations of others (that could be imaginary or not).
On top of that we have been on an LDR relationship for the past 3 years or so and those 3 years have a story of their own too.
Anyway, I am just hurt that he thinks I am missing church services because I purposefully set to do so. Admittedly, I do miss it sometimes because I would rather sleep. But that's not always the reason I miss church. It really takes effort on my part to attend Sunday services and I have to be careful not to be absent at home on Sundays regularly because my mom "doesn't like it".
My mom isn't a devout Catholic. She's anti-religion. There's her life story plus my Dad's side of the story and it would take several sheets of paper to fill out but long story short, she disapproves of anything related to religion that makes it so "cult-y". She doesn't disapprove loudly if I go to (Catholic) church, she's kinda neutral about that, however, she does highly disapprove of me being so involved in the born-again christian group that I have been attending for several years now. She thinks I should spend more time at home and all that stuff. I mean I kind of understand my mom because I know her life story and all (now I think I sound like a teenager) but I wish she would understand and know me more.
Going back to my boyfriend, I feel hurt because he knows my life story and all and I've talked to him about my family. I felt judged and accused because of what he said. And I don't want to talk to him and see him anymore.
I like going to church and I like participating in activities. I have actually found a community where I can feel more intimate with God and not feel that preachy environment or that habitual environment which makes worshiping feel empty. I feel hurt because I thought I was accepted for what I can give, what I can offer and yet more is being expected of me. I guess I don't like the pressure.

Sigh

I wanna put my brain and my heart in a box and keep them there forever. I wanna wander this world without the need to feel; keep my self in a shell. I hate the way people make me feel. I hate them when they're bad and when the bad kills the good. I hate it when they're abused and when nothing is done. I hate it when people give up and would rather choose their bad sides than their good. I just don't feel like living today.

Where

Show not tell
Oh, infidel
Where does thou mind take you now
In thy likeness share
the pain I bear
Coz love is a cross too much too much
I fear

Restless

All those times wondering if I was adopted - wishing I was adopted yet finding out I was not. I thought how lucky it must be for people to find, after all their sufferings, that the parents they had were not their parents after all, and that the life they had was not the life meant for them after all.

I had it all figured out. I was gonna wake up, and it was all going to be different, I was the ragged girl who was gonna be Cinderella. I was the orphan with a set of wonderful parents.

Why don't I fit in here? Why am I so different? My soul wanders and my mind thinks differently. I am wired to be a disappointment to everyone. I am too emotional, too wrapped up in empathy or sympathy, so opposite the stoic and strong-hearted people that I live with. Too lazy, too useless, too angry, too restless, too different, too weak. I am the white sheep in the field of wolves, I am lost in this world that I have long thought not be my home.

Why did I have to find you? You who twisted my version of comfort zones? You who woke the repressed thoughts that I had. Those things I would have willingly forgotten, those things I shunned in order to have a life averagely acceptable.

I wish to travel by myself and just get lost.

Write and Write and Write and Write and Write

I just want to write and write and write and write until I exhaust myself to sleep and just write. Like a musician playing the piano on and on, pouring his soul into the ivory keyboards, playing the tune in his head that won't go away. Like the  cursed violin that kept playing ruining the life of the person who played it. Let me pour out my mind into this piece as I listen to She & Him. Talking about love in their songs, not like the shallow love songs in the radio today. Talking about bodies molding into one, about kisses and momentary passion. What is that to the love that I have felt? More than bodies, more than minds, more than words, more than ideas and activities shared into one.

How about the love of people whom you thought loved each other through thick and thin. 3 kids yet the guy looks for another woman. What makes a guy look for a third party anyway and why does it always have to be the guy? Is it impossible for a girl to look for another person also? What makes people look outside their chosen commitments anyway? Is it un-satisfaction? Is it boredom? Well there should be a lot of lacking in their lives not to be content in more than one partner. Why should the kids suffer? Why are people broken and imperfect, thoughtless and cruel? To be so honest to oneself would destroy the world and is frankly counter progressive to what they say is man's purpose anyway.

I want to rebel to all the thoughts that a rational man should have. I want to run away from being human and let go of all this rational side of me. I want to be a caveman, relying on the earth to provide me with food and shelter and my basic concerns involve only feeding my stomach and rarely my mind. But with my personality of always wanting to learn, of always being curious, I would be a fast learning caveman indeed.

Letters to A

I miss you and I just want to hang on the phone and talk to you but I can't do that. It would be unfair and annoying and selfish of me. But I wish it was like the old days where I'd be the spoiled brat that annoys you before the day is over, demands your time and nags you.
I wanna tell you how my day was so boring and interesting and how I want to go home. I wanna rant to you and just complain because I have no one to complain to (and now literally no one anyway) but I can't because I made a choice. Sigh. I know things are different now as they are supposed to be but I can't help but miss you and long for your presence. However, my mind hasn't changed that this space is what I need. Let God take care of the rest of my story.

Ranting and wondering

I guess it shouldn't surprise me because it's already summer time but I still wanna rant. Hehehe
I wonder how you can stand not to text me or message me or anything if you had loved me. Not even a status post or a random text. I guess I wasn't that important or us breaking up wasn't that big a deal. I'm kind of disappointed.
I wonder how you can have such online presence now and never before. Though I guess its because it's summer vacation already.
Can you really stand it all? Unlike me who could never stand it before... :(
Oh well... Carry on with my life... Hehehe