Rambling On Late at Night

Having a pastor for a boyfriend is kind of tough. Coming from a Catholic traditional family (except my parents, though), I was exposed to the frenzy of traditional worship and had turned apathetic in the years mostly because of my stubbornness and refusal to follow a path that doesn't answer my questions. I tread carefully and warily because in my mind my boyfriend's path always looms my consciousness and thoughts. Yeah, he's not perfect but realistic me still has to keep up with the expectations of others (that could be imaginary or not).
On top of that we have been on an LDR relationship for the past 3 years or so and those 3 years have a story of their own too.
Anyway, I am just hurt that he thinks I am missing church services because I purposefully set to do so. Admittedly, I do miss it sometimes because I would rather sleep. But that's not always the reason I miss church. It really takes effort on my part to attend Sunday services and I have to be careful not to be absent at home on Sundays regularly because my mom "doesn't like it".
My mom isn't a devout Catholic. She's anti-religion. There's her life story plus my Dad's side of the story and it would take several sheets of paper to fill out but long story short, she disapproves of anything related to religion that makes it so "cult-y". She doesn't disapprove loudly if I go to (Catholic) church, she's kinda neutral about that, however, she does highly disapprove of me being so involved in the born-again christian group that I have been attending for several years now. She thinks I should spend more time at home and all that stuff. I mean I kind of understand my mom because I know her life story and all (now I think I sound like a teenager) but I wish she would understand and know me more.
Going back to my boyfriend, I feel hurt because he knows my life story and all and I've talked to him about my family. I felt judged and accused because of what he said. And I don't want to talk to him and see him anymore.
I like going to church and I like participating in activities. I have actually found a community where I can feel more intimate with God and not feel that preachy environment or that habitual environment which makes worshiping feel empty. I feel hurt because I thought I was accepted for what I can give, what I can offer and yet more is being expected of me. I guess I don't like the pressure.

A chapter closed

I say good bye to you
good bye to the love story that never was
And never will

I close a chapter now
And forever, in this lifetime
Because I believe in soulmates
I believe in love

Thank you for the magic
Of that once in a lifetime dream
sitting by the ocean
hidden by a gleam

Thank you for the talk
that was really more
Our souls somehow met then and there
and we knew

How can I cry
Over something that never spilled
How can I bemoan
something that never started

Still this heart of mine still cries
coz goodbyes can be so sad
But, I still have to say it
Good bye Pied Piper

Catching a cloud

I stare at him in wonder
He's a white cloud turning gray
I try to catch him and fail
Always forgetting he's air
To be Somewhere, anywhere
Is where he would rather be
I try to catch him and fail
I wanna know how it feels
To catch a flighty white cloud
Feel the air around me; Fly

When does our story end?

The kisses shared under the stars
The warm caresses under pale moonlights
I see these memories play on repeat
Repeat, repeat

The warm caresses under the pale moonlights
turn to steamy embraces
that goes on and on
Repeat, repeat

I see these memories play on repeat
and pause; When does our story end?
I ask myself this once more
Repeat, repeat

Reach

I grasp at the straws of goodness and brightness around me
Trying to ignore the darkness I was holding within

Letters to A

Hey, how are you? A few days have passed and I've missed you. Though, I can't go back on my word anymore and just say it was an April fool's joke. I think this is also a time for us both to think what are our priorities. I wish I can still get back with you, as of now, I am optimistic about getting back with you. And if and when that time comes, I want it to be last and final. I don't want another break up song. I don't want another fickle moment. Maybe he's just an alibi I used to get out of a relationship that I don't see anymore the direction.
I am also not planning to do the courting anymore. I just want things to flow by itself. I don't want to be the one steering this ship anymore. I pray God would steer it and I know He would steer it the right way. As I have always prayed for in the past; Be safe, be strong, be healthy, be wise, be diligent.
Don't let me be the one that weighs you down. Right now, you are also weighing me down. I know I'm missing people right now, I'm missing you a lot. But if we don't separate, I don't think I'll be able to grow anymore. I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on my studies. I have to think by myself for now and stop thinking about you. Stop thinking about us. I can't say "I love you" anymore... Not yet. Even if I did, I can't. Not yet.
Sincerely,
N

No April fool joke

Today, I broke up with you. I broke up because I wanted to deal with serendipity, with soulmates or twin souls or whatever the universe has conspired with Fate to make this cruel joke.
I want to apologize though I dont know what for. Maybe because I know I have hurt you.
I am exchanging my Good mayor with the Pied Piper of Hamelin.
I dont even know where this will take me. I foresee a lot of Trouble in the future especially if it does happen that we are twin souls.
However, God knows everything and I dont want to do things by myself anymore and I dont want to leave A senselessly waiting for me.
Sometimes I wish this magic never happened but only on the tip of my brain, because who can tell where this road is going? And when have I ever refused an adventure? My bestfriend has described me as the dangerous one because of my inclination to decide when my feelings are at its peak, but rarely do I regret those types of decisions and oftentimes I am more at peace when I folow my intuition.
Right now I can say my mind has taken a reckless pace and I am not sure if my heart is in the lead but if Fate and Serendipity are working together I dont know what will stop them.
And when twin souls meet... it almost always leads to a revolution around them.
Dear God, surely it wont be too hard... please?

Soul mate

When I saw you some time ago, I knew something was different, that this person would be interesting. You're a fascinating creature, an interesting piece. When you held my hand, the phrase "fit like a glove" fit that moment perfectly. Talking with you made me ignore that I have slept barely 2 hours last night and with you there was no dull moment, no boring space. When we spoke, I felt that you had suddenly opened my mind and read it. You used different words but we had the same thoughts. The words I needed to say need not be said any more because you had said them. Connections, chains unbroken, kindred souls, soul mates...

I will forever hold that moment in my heart and mind. Thank God there was no lover's moon or our connection would have been overpowered by rising emotions. There was no pressure to be different, to be someone else, to have credentials because we were in a different league. Our standards were of different class, our worlds had suddenly formed their own separate bubble yet we were still on earth.

Beside you was peace. There was no sexual tension, no electricity that sparked, no words that burned. There was only calm amidst the storm. There was a shore beyond the strong unpredictable waves. And even if there was awkwardness, that awkwardness stemmed from the feeling that this should be wrong but it felt not.

I'm thankful that you answered my Why's.

(Sam Remigio 3/22/14: Bantayan Island 3/23-24/14)

introduction

This blog will be my output for my secret sorrows and pains. this blog would be my dark side. things i'm too afraid to say to others, i will post here.