Death

2/23/2017

Death sings a song heard by all;

Almost everyone, hears the call.

Some, answer as day breaks;

Some, when midnight falls;

Some, rush to greet it;

Some, come prepared;

Some, just hear a whisper;

Barely even felt or heard.

But Death always sings this song,

And everyone, certainly hears the call.

Goodbye Papa.

What do I have?

What do I have, but memories of blurry roads and chasing sunsets,

Of speeds reaching more than a hundred,

What do I have, this heart that aches for more,

Indeed, what do I have?

We have but a time cut so short,

Those quiet moments of care,

The rare words of wisdom,

From that stoic man up there.

The many daring stunts of youth,

Never did snuff out your light,

Yet all it took was a bad night,

You've been hospitalized once;

For more than a month,

Yet for this moment,

You chose not to add another hour,

What do I have indeed,

27 years,

27 years of wanting...

Of needing..

More.

RIP: RCR 2/22/2017

Cold

It was a cold morning

Just after dawn

Even a cup of coffee

Didn't stay warm long.

But you picked me up before breakfast,

And laughed at my layered clothes,

Offered a jacket and arm,

And for a long walk, we went on.

Up a small hill of colorful houses,

Down a lane lined with old benches,

Among Pine trees and fog,

Grass, wet from last night's dew;

The sun rose higher,

The morning went on,

And the jokes and the banter,

Started warming the scene,

By then I couldn't wait,

What went on in my mind,

Surely must be exclaimed!

And I said it, as he gazed into my eyes...

"I'm hungry."

In sickness

I was sick today and he brought me spaghetti. Even if he had to bring his small group along. It's important to empower your partner and praise him for his efforts. 😊

A picture of the remnants. Hahaha

More

I scream at the empty, the in-betweens, the nothingness, the it-seems
this unflavored love that I feel, my hunger for words, for feels
the thirst for more, not hugs, not kisses
the painful yearning of those untouchable emotions that I cannot summon to speak
to express, to burst in an intangible nonreciprocal love that I cannot feel
To ask, to beg, to kneel
before whose words are but driblets to this unending void I feel
More, more, more, I say. I beg tell me more.
Ask, ask, ask please ask of all that I can willingly give.
I have so much more that I can give but I cannot
because you whose body and soul I crave
but of my mind you cannot.

Squeeze out of me, my love, my inspirations
Demand of me, my time, my talents, my dreams
Love me with a selfish love
Possess me, just not my heart nor my body
Crave my mind, my opinions, my ideas
Tell me, argue with me, make love with the challenges
I place with my thoughts, my distorted truths
Challenge my lies and call my bluffs
Play with the nightmares I made myself
Break the crystal walls!

Am I not the girl you love?

Rambling On Late at Night

Having a pastor for a boyfriend is kind of tough. Coming from a Catholic traditional family (except my parents, though), I was exposed to the frenzy of traditional worship and had turned apathetic in the years mostly because of my stubbornness and refusal to follow a path that doesn't answer my questions. I tread carefully and warily because in my mind my boyfriend's path always looms my consciousness and thoughts. Yeah, he's not perfect but realistic me still has to keep up with the expectations of others (that could be imaginary or not).
On top of that we have been on an LDR relationship for the past 3 years or so and those 3 years have a story of their own too.
Anyway, I am just hurt that he thinks I am missing church services because I purposefully set to do so. Admittedly, I do miss it sometimes because I would rather sleep. But that's not always the reason I miss church. It really takes effort on my part to attend Sunday services and I have to be careful not to be absent at home on Sundays regularly because my mom "doesn't like it".
My mom isn't a devout Catholic. She's anti-religion. There's her life story plus my Dad's side of the story and it would take several sheets of paper to fill out but long story short, she disapproves of anything related to religion that makes it so "cult-y". She doesn't disapprove loudly if I go to (Catholic) church, she's kinda neutral about that, however, she does highly disapprove of me being so involved in the born-again christian group that I have been attending for several years now. She thinks I should spend more time at home and all that stuff. I mean I kind of understand my mom because I know her life story and all (now I think I sound like a teenager) but I wish she would understand and know me more.
Going back to my boyfriend, I feel hurt because he knows my life story and all and I've talked to him about my family. I felt judged and accused because of what he said. And I don't want to talk to him and see him anymore.
I like going to church and I like participating in activities. I have actually found a community where I can feel more intimate with God and not feel that preachy environment or that habitual environment which makes worshiping feel empty. I feel hurt because I thought I was accepted for what I can give, what I can offer and yet more is being expected of me. I guess I don't like the pressure.

Where

Show not tell
Oh, infidel
Where does thou mind take you now
In thy likeness share
the pain I bear
Coz love is a cross too much too much
I fear

A chapter closed

I say good bye to you
good bye to the love story that never was
And never will

I close a chapter now
And forever, in this lifetime
Because I believe in soulmates
I believe in love

Thank you for the magic
Of that once in a lifetime dream
sitting by the ocean
hidden by a gleam

Thank you for the talk
that was really more
Our souls somehow met then and there
and we knew

How can I cry
Over something that never spilled
How can I bemoan
something that never started

Still this heart of mine still cries
coz goodbyes can be so sad
But, I still have to say it
Good bye Pied Piper

Catching a cloud

I stare at him in wonder
He's a white cloud turning gray
I try to catch him and fail
Always forgetting he's air
To be Somewhere, anywhere
Is where he would rather be
I try to catch him and fail
I wanna know how it feels
To catch a flighty white cloud
Feel the air around me; Fly

Unending Love by Rabindranath Tagore

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
Its ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers, shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell-
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours –
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

Restless

All those times wondering if I was adopted - wishing I was adopted yet finding out I was not. I thought how lucky it must be for people to find, after all their sufferings, that the parents they had were not their parents after all, and that the life they had was not the life meant for them after all.

I had it all figured out. I was gonna wake up, and it was all going to be different, I was the ragged girl who was gonna be Cinderella. I was the orphan with a set of wonderful parents.

Why don't I fit in here? Why am I so different? My soul wanders and my mind thinks differently. I am wired to be a disappointment to everyone. I am too emotional, too wrapped up in empathy or sympathy, so opposite the stoic and strong-hearted people that I live with. Too lazy, too useless, too angry, too restless, too different, too weak. I am the white sheep in the field of wolves, I am lost in this world that I have long thought not be my home.

Why did I have to find you? You who twisted my version of comfort zones? You who woke the repressed thoughts that I had. Those things I would have willingly forgotten, those things I shunned in order to have a life averagely acceptable.

I wish to travel by myself and just get lost.

Write and Write and Write and Write and Write

I just want to write and write and write and write until I exhaust myself to sleep and just write. Like a musician playing the piano on and on, pouring his soul into the ivory keyboards, playing the tune in his head that won't go away. Like the  cursed violin that kept playing ruining the life of the person who played it. Let me pour out my mind into this piece as I listen to She & Him. Talking about love in their songs, not like the shallow love songs in the radio today. Talking about bodies molding into one, about kisses and momentary passion. What is that to the love that I have felt? More than bodies, more than minds, more than words, more than ideas and activities shared into one.

How about the love of people whom you thought loved each other through thick and thin. 3 kids yet the guy looks for another woman. What makes a guy look for a third party anyway and why does it always have to be the guy? Is it impossible for a girl to look for another person also? What makes people look outside their chosen commitments anyway? Is it un-satisfaction? Is it boredom? Well there should be a lot of lacking in their lives not to be content in more than one partner. Why should the kids suffer? Why are people broken and imperfect, thoughtless and cruel? To be so honest to oneself would destroy the world and is frankly counter progressive to what they say is man's purpose anyway.

I want to rebel to all the thoughts that a rational man should have. I want to run away from being human and let go of all this rational side of me. I want to be a caveman, relying on the earth to provide me with food and shelter and my basic concerns involve only feeding my stomach and rarely my mind. But with my personality of always wanting to learn, of always being curious, I would be a fast learning caveman indeed.

When does our story end?

The kisses shared under the stars
The warm caresses under pale moonlights
I see these memories play on repeat
Repeat, repeat

The warm caresses under the pale moonlights
turn to steamy embraces
that goes on and on
Repeat, repeat

I see these memories play on repeat
and pause; When does our story end?
I ask myself this once more
Repeat, repeat

Getting out of my box

I've been so wrapped up around myself that I didn't know what's been happening with the people I love. I am really disturbed that I didn't know what my bestfriend has been going through and I feel inadequate that I was not there for her when she might have needed me the most.

In my own form of art

Tinted orange, the sun has set
I glided down the lush green mountain
On a bike with my best friend
And let the wind kiss and caress my cheeks
As I raised my hands and embraced it
Until I die I don't want to forget that moment
My heart may burst with passion
with appreciation of God's creation

Letters to A

Hey, how are you? A few days have passed and I've missed you. Though, I can't go back on my word anymore and just say it was an April fool's joke. I think this is also a time for us both to think what are our priorities. I wish I can still get back with you, as of now, I am optimistic about getting back with you. And if and when that time comes, I want it to be last and final. I don't want another break up song. I don't want another fickle moment. Maybe he's just an alibi I used to get out of a relationship that I don't see anymore the direction.
I am also not planning to do the courting anymore. I just want things to flow by itself. I don't want to be the one steering this ship anymore. I pray God would steer it and I know He would steer it the right way. As I have always prayed for in the past; Be safe, be strong, be healthy, be wise, be diligent.
Don't let me be the one that weighs you down. Right now, you are also weighing me down. I know I'm missing people right now, I'm missing you a lot. But if we don't separate, I don't think I'll be able to grow anymore. I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on my studies. I have to think by myself for now and stop thinking about you. Stop thinking about us. I can't say "I love you" anymore... Not yet. Even if I did, I can't. Not yet.
Sincerely,
N