Creep

It creeps up on me

The quiet

The dark

The silent claws of sadness

That clutches my heart

And squeezes the tears out of me

I am a willing lover of despair

The comfort sigh of sorrow

Such I crave for, is there

These tears don't wash it away

The sad

The lonely

The quiet four walls

Were you also like this, Pops

Do you cry in the quiet

Are there tears left to be squeezed from your tiread heart?

Did you even know what happiness tasted like?

Living, you left me longing

Dying, you left me with no one to blame

Death

2/23/2017

Death sings a song heard by all;

Almost everyone, hears the call.

Some, answer as day breaks;

Some, when midnight falls;

Some, rush to greet it;

Some, come prepared;

Some, just hear a whisper;

Barely even felt or heard.

But Death always sings this song,

And everyone, certainly hears the call.

Goodbye Papa.

What do I have?

What do I have, but memories of blurry roads and chasing sunsets,

Of speeds reaching more than a hundred,

What do I have, this heart that aches for more,

Indeed, what do I have?

We have but a time cut so short,

Those quiet moments of care,

The rare words of wisdom,

From that stoic man up there.

The many daring stunts of youth,

Never did snuff out your light,

Yet all it took was a bad night,

You've been hospitalized once;

For more than a month,

Yet for this moment,

You chose not to add another hour,

What do I have indeed,

27 years,

27 years of wanting...

Of needing..

More.

RIP: RCR 2/22/2017

Cold

It was a cold morning

Just after dawn

Even a cup of coffee

Didn't stay warm long.

But you picked me up before breakfast,

And laughed at my layered clothes,

Offered a jacket and arm,

And for a long walk, we went on.

Up a small hill of colorful houses,

Down a lane lined with old benches,

Among Pine trees and fog,

Grass, wet from last night's dew;

The sun rose higher,

The morning went on,

And the jokes and the banter,

Started warming the scene,

By then I couldn't wait,

What went on in my mind,

Surely must be exclaimed!

And I said it, as he gazed into my eyes...

"I'm hungry."

Unknown

You are the love nobody knows

A secret I want untold

A choice never followed

Your memory holds a special place

That I know I will let go soon enough

Slowly slowly 'till the wind blows you away

My silverdust dreams

In sickness

I was sick today and he brought me spaghetti. Even if he had to bring his small group along. It's important to empower your partner and praise him for his efforts. 😊

A picture of the remnants. Hahaha

Condolence

Some people stay, some people go, some say goodbye, some don't even know. And when it ends, we all yearn for their next hello, even though never again will their smile show.

On my wall, it seems a lot have sent their last earthly goodbyes and it hits me with great certainty that we are all destined to die.

We wish we'd said I love you;

I'm sorry; I care...

We wish we were there sooner;

We wish we shared the cross, you bear;

We wished we did the could haves;

But we will never know

Because we don't know the time or place when we will be unsown.

Lowest

It's depressing to get the lowest score in class. I hope I do better next time. I know more than half of the class were sharing answerrs but I chose to not but I think it is just my bitterness speaking. 😞

Let's do better tomorrow!!! (Talks to myself). I need better motivations. Huhuhu

A prayer for Karen

 In Jesus name. Lord, take my heart and lay it in your hand. Take its hurts and burdens because you know so much more on how to ease it. Lord, heal the pain, heal the world. Lord, please be with Karen's family as they journey through this very painful journey. Let the suspect be caught Lord not necessarily by human hands but by Your hands Lord. Let him see the wrong that he has done. Lord, I pray that Karen is right next to you right now and that she is happy. This is your fight Lord, as always. Don't let humans be incharge of vengeance lest they sin, take over Lord. Heal Karen's father's pain for I cannot imagine Lord his pain as a father. Lord, keep him sane, keep his heart soft and let it not harden. Keep her mother in your embrace Lord, for no one can replace a mother-daughter bond. And let her friends keep peace and forgiveness in their hearts. Heal this flesh 4th-degree wound that this imperfect word has inflicted on Karen's family, Lord. I ask all these things, in Jesus name. Amen.

When depression is my Muse

When Depression is my muse

And sorrow my wine

I drown myself in bitterness

And sometimes cross a line

At times I see the better days

Just beyond the noose

Then again I see some light

And pretend it just needs some booze

And when morning comes

My alter life begins

The social A-list butterfly

Who can sometimes be recluse

The jack-of-all trades

The wonder volunteer

I feel like such a hypocrite

Even to those I hold dear

Because as I smile it doesn't widen

And my heart is not light

I think life can be so boring

And then sometimes its just all bright

But today the rain in my head cannot stop

And all I really wanna do is put my life on Stop.

Mid-20's crises

I thought awkwardness ended when I graduated from highschool... But no, still that socially awkward girl masking as a post grad student who quietly listens to everything you say in agreement when my mind is shouting expletives about how you should handle things. No, they dont do that in adult world it seems, you just let them be their stupid idiotic selves and watch them burn... Sheeesh.

I feel like nobody listens to what I say and they just prefer to be in their comfort zones or "safe" zones where they think their choices are socially acceptable but I cant help not feeling any sincerity at all.

Charity, service... It's all a shallow facade.

It's like the ends justifies the means or something and I DONT LIKE IT. I don't like this adult world where I'm supposed to fit... T_T

More

I scream at the empty, the in-betweens, the nothingness, the it-seems
this unflavored love that I feel, my hunger for words, for feels
the thirst for more, not hugs, not kisses
the painful yearning of those untouchable emotions that I cannot summon to speak
to express, to burst in an intangible nonreciprocal love that I cannot feel
To ask, to beg, to kneel
before whose words are but driblets to this unending void I feel
More, more, more, I say. I beg tell me more.
Ask, ask, ask please ask of all that I can willingly give.
I have so much more that I can give but I cannot
because you whose body and soul I crave
but of my mind you cannot.

Squeeze out of me, my love, my inspirations
Demand of me, my time, my talents, my dreams
Love me with a selfish love
Possess me, just not my heart nor my body
Crave my mind, my opinions, my ideas
Tell me, argue with me, make love with the challenges
I place with my thoughts, my distorted truths
Challenge my lies and call my bluffs
Play with the nightmares I made myself
Break the crystal walls!

Am I not the girl you love?

Shadows

Silhouettes and shadows
I see around me
like a cataract
going severe
maybe irreparable
blurred lines
searching for a clarity
no more, no more

Rambling On Late at Night

Having a pastor for a boyfriend is kind of tough. Coming from a Catholic traditional family (except my parents, though), I was exposed to the frenzy of traditional worship and had turned apathetic in the years mostly because of my stubbornness and refusal to follow a path that doesn't answer my questions. I tread carefully and warily because in my mind my boyfriend's path always looms my consciousness and thoughts. Yeah, he's not perfect but realistic me still has to keep up with the expectations of others (that could be imaginary or not).
On top of that we have been on an LDR relationship for the past 3 years or so and those 3 years have a story of their own too.
Anyway, I am just hurt that he thinks I am missing church services because I purposefully set to do so. Admittedly, I do miss it sometimes because I would rather sleep. But that's not always the reason I miss church. It really takes effort on my part to attend Sunday services and I have to be careful not to be absent at home on Sundays regularly because my mom "doesn't like it".
My mom isn't a devout Catholic. She's anti-religion. There's her life story plus my Dad's side of the story and it would take several sheets of paper to fill out but long story short, she disapproves of anything related to religion that makes it so "cult-y". She doesn't disapprove loudly if I go to (Catholic) church, she's kinda neutral about that, however, she does highly disapprove of me being so involved in the born-again christian group that I have been attending for several years now. She thinks I should spend more time at home and all that stuff. I mean I kind of understand my mom because I know her life story and all (now I think I sound like a teenager) but I wish she would understand and know me more.
Going back to my boyfriend, I feel hurt because he knows my life story and all and I've talked to him about my family. I felt judged and accused because of what he said. And I don't want to talk to him and see him anymore.
I like going to church and I like participating in activities. I have actually found a community where I can feel more intimate with God and not feel that preachy environment or that habitual environment which makes worshiping feel empty. I feel hurt because I thought I was accepted for what I can give, what I can offer and yet more is being expected of me. I guess I don't like the pressure.

Sigh

I wanna put my brain and my heart in a box and keep them there forever. I wanna wander this world without the need to feel; keep my self in a shell. I hate the way people make me feel. I hate them when they're bad and when the bad kills the good. I hate it when they're abused and when nothing is done. I hate it when people give up and would rather choose their bad sides than their good. I just don't feel like living today.

Where

Show not tell
Oh, infidel
Where does thou mind take you now
In thy likeness share
the pain I bear
Coz love is a cross too much too much
I fear

A chapter closed

I say good bye to you
good bye to the love story that never was
And never will

I close a chapter now
And forever, in this lifetime
Because I believe in soulmates
I believe in love

Thank you for the magic
Of that once in a lifetime dream
sitting by the ocean
hidden by a gleam

Thank you for the talk
that was really more
Our souls somehow met then and there
and we knew

How can I cry
Over something that never spilled
How can I bemoan
something that never started

Still this heart of mine still cries
coz goodbyes can be so sad
But, I still have to say it
Good bye Pied Piper

Catching a cloud

I stare at him in wonder
He's a white cloud turning gray
I try to catch him and fail
Always forgetting he's air
To be Somewhere, anywhere
Is where he would rather be
I try to catch him and fail
I wanna know how it feels
To catch a flighty white cloud
Feel the air around me; Fly

Unending Love by Rabindranath Tagore

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
Its ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers, shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell-
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours –
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

Restless

All those times wondering if I was adopted - wishing I was adopted yet finding out I was not. I thought how lucky it must be for people to find, after all their sufferings, that the parents they had were not their parents after all, and that the life they had was not the life meant for them after all.

I had it all figured out. I was gonna wake up, and it was all going to be different, I was the ragged girl who was gonna be Cinderella. I was the orphan with a set of wonderful parents.

Why don't I fit in here? Why am I so different? My soul wanders and my mind thinks differently. I am wired to be a disappointment to everyone. I am too emotional, too wrapped up in empathy or sympathy, so opposite the stoic and strong-hearted people that I live with. Too lazy, too useless, too angry, too restless, too different, too weak. I am the white sheep in the field of wolves, I am lost in this world that I have long thought not be my home.

Why did I have to find you? You who twisted my version of comfort zones? You who woke the repressed thoughts that I had. Those things I would have willingly forgotten, those things I shunned in order to have a life averagely acceptable.

I wish to travel by myself and just get lost.