My 28th smile: Dreams

I used to think I'd never want to be in the Medical field. Hospitals used to scare me. They gave off a weird smell reminding me of disease, sorrow, death... Yet 15 years later found me studying to become a nurse. Nursing was pretty much a decision made from peer pressure and teenage "wisdom". I thought of it as a stepping stone to a brighter and "greener" future. I found out later that those pastures that I thought of weren't necessarily something my heart wanted. I wasn't that tempted with what a large salary would offer. I wasn't enjoying the notion of going far away to work. My best friend, who used to be in the same boat was following her own dreams. The reasons why I chose my course was starting to dwindle.

Nursing is a very precious and noble profession. In my studies, I have learned how important they were in the health care field. They care for the patient holistically. Their presence is there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They listen to the patients even when their patient was confabulating or hallucinating. They man the hospital positions. I have never been more thankful for their presence than when I became a student nurse. It was a field I found interesting though stressful, challenging but very rewarding. Think about the hopeful eyes that look up to you for questions. Think about the thank you's when you give them care. The feeling when your patient gets discharged.

But something bothered me. Am I in the right place? I don't feel right in this white apron. Should I be a nurse? Am I wasting my life? They were very bothersome questions indeed. I panicked a little and decided that its too late to change that now. I've always found something to be happy about wherever I am placed.

I was assigned to the Dengue observation room one day and doing the usual vital signs. It was very important to take note of the temperatures of the patients. And it was very important to keep the temperature of dengue patients normal. One patient was having a fever and we couldn't administer any medication unless we had doctor's orders... The thing was, the doctor couldn't be reached so we had to wait. We didn't need to wait long though, the doctor arrived a little over 30 minutes(grrr, wonder where he went). But those times when he wasn't there, I was worried. I wanted to give the patient the medicine for fever that could just be bought Over the counter but my role as a nurse prevented me from doing that. It made me start thinking that I should have been the doctor. It would have made a difference. I would try my best not to make the patients wait.

I thought my thoughts of being a doctor would pass but it didn't. It lingered in my mind until now. It disturbed me a bit. It entered my thoughts during my jeepney rides. It drifts in while I'm alone in class. It haunts even my dreams. It even haunts me when I'm awake. Doctors that I don't know started asking me or suggesting if I wanted to be a doctor. (e.g. someone in the ER, someone in the OR and even a passing acquaintance).

I let it sink for a while. Being a doctor would mean... a few...no a LOT more years to study. It would need some... no a LOT of money. And definitely a LOT of patience. But I still thought of the possibilities. The years of study I can handle (gulp, do I even know what that means?). I can probably (hopefully) find some scholarship (somehow). Well, patience I think I have a lot of that (eh? you?).

I prayed that God would somehow give me a sign and I am not yet in the confirmatory stage. I am in doubt. I'm even in fear of a future that might not even be bound to happen. My mind tends to be fickle and it changes more than once in a while. But, one thing that has remained constant in my life is my love for children. And no, being a teacher was not in the list. If ever I was going to be a doctor, I was going to be one who specializes in children. Maybe even a pediatrician.

I realized that the dreams I made when I was a child wasn't the same as the dreams I have now. (I realized that being an astronaut can be scary after all). And that I can't just be bound by fear and doubt. One step I make could be a mistake but that step could also be a blessing.

As for now, I'm going to take the NMAT on December 12 and seeing how it goes. After that, we'll see. :)

Another thought that lingers is that even as I study as a nurse, I do not think of myself as the lady with a white cap but my mind travels to the lady with the white coat and a stethoscope. :)